The Truth Hurts

*Why is this happening?

Everywhere I go, I see things like this on the cars of ADULTS! I am so confused. I mean, don't get me wrong...I read the books. And saw the movies. Multiple times. I even enjoyed them in a guilty pleasure sort of way. But seriously, people? Number 1, car stickers are not cool (I will allow one per car, such as a school decal or something, but that is it). Number 2, if you are over the age of 17, decals referring to high school love stories are embarrassing. Come on. It's like having a sorority sticker on your car after you have graduated from college.

I also recently saw a woman who had a tweety bird spare tire cover on the back of her car. You read that correctly. I sent a picture of it to my friend, Laura. I am kicking myself for deleting it from my phone today. No one, under any circumstances, should ever own any Looney Toons paraphernalia, much less have a giant Tweety Bird on the back of her car!

This is pretty much what it looked like and let me just say, when I Googled to get an image, I was horrified at the amount of Tweety Bird car paraphernalia available for purchase. Gross.

Finally, and I am sure I will take some crap for this because this is not as widely hated, but let me go on the record and say that personalized license plates are not cool. Paying extra for your license plate to say something lame like 2hot4u does not, in fact, make you cool. It kind of makes you a tool. Okay, it totally makes you a tool. I was just trying to be nice. The worst are plates on minivans that say things like RaceFam or TooFast or something ridiculous. You drive a minivan. You're not racing anyone.

*If this is your car, I am sorry for publicly outing you, but I feel that I am doing you and any other sticker abusers a service.

What's your time worth?

As you all know, I am a reluctant lawyer. I have made no secret of the fact that people do not always feel it necessary to pay their bills on time, or at all. It’s really frustrating, as lawyering is unfortunately my sole source of income. Sometimes, I can tell that a person won’t pay his or her bill from the initial consultation. Still, ever the optimist, I allow these people into my life.

Take today, for example. I had a couple come into my office seeking a divorce. Well, let me clarify that…the lady was seeking a divorce from her husband, and she brought her boyfriend along. Classy. Lucky the boyfriend was there, though, because this woman was not the brightest crayon in the box. Every time I said something, either the woman or her boyfriend asked, “will you charge for that?” I patiently explained that every time I worked on the case, I would bill my time. I knew they were not going to pay one red cent more than the initial retainer I requested. Still, I soldiered on, willing to take one for the proverbial team that is my office to bring in new business.

Luckily, however, I didn’t get to that point with this couple. As they were leaving, the woman mentioned her child’s name (who was not her husband’s child, nor her current boyfriend’s child) and it rang a bell with me. I asked her a few more questions to come to the conclusion that I had previously represented the original baby daddy in a paternity matter. It was the first matter I worked on at my current job. Ironically, that client hasn't paid his bill, either. Unfortunately, the fact pattern (married woman has child from another man and then seeks divorce to be with a third person) is not uncommon in my office, so until I heard the child’s name, I didn’t even think about baby daddy and any potential conflict in representation. When I told her I could not represent her because of the conflict, she said to me, “yeah, when you walked in, I told my boyfriend I knew you from my prior court case.”

WHAT THE EFF? They wasted 30 minutes of my day KNOWING full well who I was. Rude. We even talked about her juvenile court case between the baby daddy and husband, and I asked her what the outcome of it was. She could have mentioned to me that I was there for at least part of that conflict. (My office later withdrew because of the aforementioned nonpayment). I didn't recognize her with her new haircut, and her name is totally a common and unmemorable name.

As they left my office with 30 minutes of my life that I will never get back, the boyfriend asked, “is this still a free consultation?” Seriously.

I only wish I could charge for stupidity.

Let's Play a Game

Let's play a little game. It's called "think of ways Holly can stay home with her sweet baby and stop dealing with insane, annoying, non-paying clients." The name of the game could use a little work, I know. It's a working title and I'm a woman on the edge of losing my marbles.

Riddle me this: why WHY why on God's green earth do people (clients) feel the need to call over and over and over again about the same thing. I WILL CALL YOU BACK WHEN I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY AND NOT ONE SECOND BEFORE! I might seem a little on edge, but seriously, I'm trying to do these people a solid and not run up their bills with constant, pointless phone calls and you would think that I was torturing them.

Favorite client complaint of the week: "Ms. Holly, I know that the Sheriff's department has probably been busy with the flood and all, but I do not understand why my husband has not been served with the divorce complaint yet."
My mental response: "I'm sorry you selfish a-hole, I did not create the natural disaster, but I can see how your divorce is much more important than the safety and well-being of local flood victims."
My actual response: "I'll see what I can find out from the Sheriff's department."
Her response: "Will that cost me money?"
Shoot me. It's only Tuesday.


Anyway, as you can probably tell, I'm a bit ill with work right now (what else is new) so I'm playing my favorite game (think of ways I can stay home with my sweet baby and stop dealing with insane, annoying non-paying clients) and asking anyone and everyone to play along.


Perhaps I can make baby food for other mommies out there in the Memphis area? Interested? Hit me up. Maybe I could start a business or something. I have plenty of real life experience in cooking delicious baby meals.


Then there is always the dream job... No, it's not winning the lottery, although that would be fantastic. The dream job is writing a wildly successful book or doing some sort of writing work. I'm looking for something that pays the bills, though.

I still get Monster.com emails from when I was unemployed and the most enticing repeat job suggestion I get is "Forklift Operator." I think I could be amazing as a forklift operator, however, I do not know what part of my uploaded resume triggers this profession as a possible option.

Let's get to thinking. Otherwise, I might end up like this...

*Sidenote, I googled something to the effect of "stressed lawyer" and found this picture, among other funny websites and pictures. That ought to keep me busy for a while. Kidding. Back to work.

**Side sidenote: I realize that I am ridiculously lucky to (1) have a job; (2) like the people I work with and (3) have flexible hours and a cool boss and that I am an ungrateful brat to complain about it. Sue me.